A Pat on the Back

Sometimes there are moments when you think I must be doing something right, give yourself a pat on the back.

And lately the kids have been doing things that make me feel I earned a pat on the back.

As a Mom there are certain personality traits I hope my children will possess, I'd like them to be affectionate, compassionate, sympathetic, funny, honest and well-rounded individuals. And so much more. So the other day when my little girl was carrying her monkey around the house and I heard her say: "Why are you scared monkey? It's okay I've got you." I smiled and thought I must be doing something right.

When we go shopping together and its just us girls, MC often asks if we can get something for HP, now its usually a toy that she wants but not always, still I love that's she's thoughtful and wants him to get him something. I must be doing something right.

Sometimes when HP wakes up in the morning or from his nap he'll start crying, MC will say "Mommy I need to go check on Hunter, he's crying."

Yesterday on our way home from running errands, HP was hungry and beginning to fuss a little and without prompting MC says "It's okay Hunter, we're almost home." That's the first time I've heard her say that, previously she would make faces and noises to try and make him laugh.

Later as she was playing in her room, I heard her say " Amen. Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you....etc." (Our nightly bedtime ritual) Then she closed the door and said monkey's tired so I tucked him in. Awww....

When I was tucking her in last night she requested that I lay down with her so I climbed into bed. After a good 20 minutes it was obvious she was wired and not going to sleep, unless she thought I was asleep. So I closed my eyes...about 10 minutes later she lifted my arm and gave me her monkey, five minutes after that she patted me on the arm and then several minutes later she took my hand and rubbed her fingers back and forth as if she were trying to soothe me. And I thought what a sweet little girl we have, must be doing something right.

Famous people leave legacies, there are sometimes statues made to remind us of their significance in history, maybe they write a book of memoirs or maybe they're a musician that's impacted multiple generations with their music, many of us make grand plans to try and make the world a better place, thinking it has to be something big to make a difference. And maybe it does, I don't know. In the past when I was younger I used to dream big, Olympic swimmer, best selling author, successful sports journalist. I never once dreamed of being a Mom or even thinking about the importance of that role.

But now when I see my kids sharing without being encouraged to share, giving hugs or kisses on their own initiative, thinking of someone else when shopping, etc. If I can have a positive impact on my children and be a strong role model then I couldn't ask for a better legacy.

Boys vs. Girls

Every time I change HP's diaper I think about how different boys are from girls, and no I'm not talking about anatomy.

Our little girl, monkey butt, would lay still and stare at her hutch while we changed her diaper, no fighting the process, wiggling etc. But Mr. Moose aka HP, well changing him is like wrestling an octopus or an alligator (words spoken by sitters and friends) but yet so on point.

Monkey butt could play for hours and entertain herself with little encouragement or interaction. Mr. Moose is curious and into everything, after a little exploring he either wants my undivided attention or he wants to be held.

I'm not complaining, I love my kids and I love that they're different. And I think a lot of their differences have nothing to do with gender but rather they're two individuals displaying their traits and personality. So sometimes I wince when someone says HP is all boy or he's just acting like a boy. Okay...so if MC does the same thing she's acting like a boy?

Now at 10 months HP is crawling, cruisin' and climbing and I can tell I have two active children that will be getting into a LOT of trouble. I'm pretty sure HP will be walking any day now and running as soon after that as possible. YIKES!

As I'm writing this, I looked to see what the Moose was up to and he'd crawled on top of his Leap Frog music table and was between it and his activity cube!

Should I Feel Guilty?

We haven't taken a family vacation in 2.5 years. Well, unless you count our short weekend trip to San Antonio with the kids. (I don't really count a three hour drive and two nights in a hotel as a vacation) And we haven't had a vacation without the kids in four years.

As a matter of fact we haven't been away from one or both of our kids for 24 hours, EVER! When I was in the hospital delivering HP, we were away from MC but I wouldn't count being in labor with our second child as being kid free.

So I want a vacation, but more importantly I NEED a vacation. And at this point it could be something as just two nights in a hotel without the kids. Even 24 hours of being free of responsibility of anyone but myself would be a nice break. But should I feel guilty for feeling this way?

I love my children more than anything, I do but I also feel like a vacation or small break from them would re-energize me and they would benefit from that too. Sometimes I feel like we're the only ones that haven't had a break or a vacation. Most of my friends have parents that take their kids for date nights or for weekends here and there while they take a quick trip, we aren't that fortunate.

Unfortunately, my husband's father has passed and his mother is physically unable to watch the kids. My mother is deceased and well we wouldn't even consider leaving the kids with my father even if he offered and my brother is in medical school and over one thousand miles away. So the only way we'll even get to take a quick trip is to pay someone to watch the kids, and no not just any someone but someone we really trust so we can enjoy the break.

Is it alright to want a break and some alone time with my hubby? Can we realistically go away for a weekend and enjoy ourselves without feeling guilty or worrying the entire trip? Are we the only ones that have this issue?

My husband has promised me a trip away sometime this summer and I really hope we're able to make it happen.

What Did She Say?

Our little girl, MC aka monkey butt has gone from saying very little to talking up a storm. Of course this is great news but its also scary because I never know what she's going to say.

Yes, I know that what she hears will be repeated. Therefore, we're trying to censor our conversations and reduce our use of certain expletives. But that being said we don't really use a lot of curse words to begin with. I'm starting to realize though that we say certain things more often and we're not even aware of what we say.

Some of MC's new favorite expressions are: "Oh Dear!" (not something I ever say so I'm not sure where she got this one from), "I don't think so Mommy!", "Crap" (apparently I say this more than I realized), "Trust me", and "Are you sure?"

Today she hit me with a new one, HP was crawling around and had gas, MC says "HP made a fart!" He made what? NO I have not said this before. And so I was shocked but also trying to hide the fact that it was cute and funny, although mainly because we were home alone and because she used the word "made" as if he'd been in the workshop assembling it.

A few days ago we were looking for a can of soup in the pantry and one of our storage containers fell, as soon as it hit the floor MC says "CRAP". Because I'd almost said it myself but she'd just beat me to it, I wanted to laugh but also wanted to correct her but since I couldn't keep a straight face I just pretended like it didn't happen. Its tough being a parent, even harder being a good one.

Things I was never told

Some things don't mix well, like oil and water, beans and men, beer and liquor. Some things should never go together like fire and gasoline or corn and babies or children that still wear diapers. And apparently, among other things no one told me, garlic, spinach, raisins, blueberries and well I'm sure you probably know of some others. Now I guess, since I'd never changed a diaper in my life before my daughter that if I did know what happened when a child ate some of these things, well it probably would have been good birth control.

I'm looking forward to the day my children are potty trained...I'm not looking forward to potty training my children! I will say if you are super hungry and considering eating things that you shouldn't in order to lose weight, well just change one of these diapers I'm talking about and your appetite will diminish significantly.

Looking Back, While Moving Forward

I remember my parents and other adults saying "the only thing constant is change." As a child I didn't quite understand what that meant but as an adult and now as a parent of two children I'm reminded of this on a daily basis.

Two years ago today I was pregnant with our daughter and in the ICU with my husband and his family, standing by my father-in-law's bedside praying for him to recover. He passed away that afternoon. One week later to the day I gave birth to our daughter. We were so hapy to have a healthy baby girl but so sad that she would never get to meet her Papa and he'd never be able to hold her.

And then a year ago today we rushed to the ER with our little girl. She'd been sick for 3-4 days and wasn't improving but getting worse. After learning she had bacterial meningitis and the most dangerous strain we were in shock. We were standing in the same hospital where we'd lost my father-in-law, just one year later and the thought of losing our first and only child on that day in that place was unbearable.

Shortly after learning MC's diagnosis we were transferred via ambulance to Texas Children's Hospital. I'd never been in an ambulance before and hope I'll never have to ride in one again. I was lying on the bed with MC on my chest, wrapped in several blankets to keep her warm with an IV in her arm. She was lifeless as we weaved in and out of traffic racing to the hospital.

We spent a week in the hospital with our little girl. And I know we were lucky, I know we were blessed and I feel like we received a miracle. As far as we know she has fully recovered without any damage from her illness.

While we were in the hospital MC had her first taste of McDonald's and celebrated her first birthday and now we're just one week away from her second birthday. It seems like a lifetime ago not just a year.

The loss of my mom and father-in-law mean we must tell our children stories of their grandparents, show them pictures and tell them of their love. And from our experience with MC's short hospital visit, when we say our prayers we pray for the children that can't be healed, for the kids that live in the hospital most of the year battling cancer and other diseases, for their parents experiencing the helpless feeling that we felt firsthand. And we remind ourselves not to take time with our kids for granted. Those are just a few of the things that have changed for us the last two years.

I hug my kids and tell them how much I love them several times a day. If you haven't experienced a severe illness with your child, think of those that ahve and remember them n your prayers at night.

It's Not Easy Being Green or Preggo

It's not easy being green or preggo and for some people like me, they are one in the same on most days. And while this pregnancy has been a bigger challenge than my first, I'm so very grateful that we are expecting our second child. There are so many things and reasons to be grateful for, but there are also the side effects and complications that plague me which just come with my body handling pregnancy.

We're thankful God blessed us with another child without having to go through the draining, complicated and expensive process of fertility treatments. We're blessed that our ultrasounds and doctor's appointments have been full of good news. Both of us are ecstatic that in August we will have a family of four, with a son and a daughter or family of 6 as my hubby likes to say because he counts our dogs too. I'm grateful that I'm not confined to a bed or having certain restrictions to follow.

However, being preggo puts a tremendous strain on my body. I'm unable to work a full/part-time job other than being a SAHM Mom to my 18 month old rambunctious toddler. I can't walk for miles or work-out everyday. And while I am exercising my willpower to be more disciplined about what and how much I eat there are days when I crave junk and give in to the cravings. I don't sleep well, have frequent, vivid nightmares and need at least 1 nap per day. Between rampant hormones and vitamin deficiencies I get weak, dizzy, woozy and sometimes very afraid when experiencing these symptoms and prefer not to be alone.

The Braxton Hicks started early and will continue to plague me at various times throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. I have no bladder capacity and know where every public restroom within 10 miles of my house is located. I don't glow, I'm not toned and in shape and being pregnant does not make me beautiful. By the end of the day I'm exhausted, grumpy, hungry and not much fun to be around.

BUT these symptoms are not my fault. Given a choice I'd love to have the energy and ability to work a job while pregnant, to exercise almost every day and stay thin and toned, to clean the house, cook dinner and teach my child to read while eliminating the need to nap, run back and forth to the bathroom and eat frequent small meals. But no one has offered me that choice.

So I'll do the best I can everyday. I'll wake up and hope I have enough energy to care for and entertain my little girl. Chores and tasks will be completed as my time and body allows. And I'll try not to complain too much about the contractions, the nausea, exhaustion, swelling, compulsions, etc.

Here's what I ask of you: please don't blame me for being sick, I didn't order morning sickness and don't enjoy it nor have any control over it

-don't offer me pie, cake and cookies every time you see me and remind me "I'm eating for 2", those pounds have to come back off after the baby and that's not easy

- don't say you weren't meant to have children or "well I guess you shouldn't have any more because you don't do pregnant well", again this is not something I have any control over and those are my decisions not yours

-don't compare me to yourself and how you worked 40 hours a week on your feet even on your due date and were just fine, that just makes me feel like a failure and then I push my body to do more which can lead to problems

I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one that wants to have the perfect pregnancy but instead feels like they're struggling to get through the days and the stages. We'd all like to have the perfect pregnancy but please don't blame us if we don't but instead support and encourage us to enjoy the good days, rest on the bad and be grateful for the experience.