Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm a Mess

This week has been hard, difficult, long get the picture. Wednesday night I went out with a few friends and had a drink and some much needed girl time and I thought the distraction would make things better but sometimes you just can't outrun what's bothering you.

I've tried to focus on the positive, I have two great, healthy children and we have a roof over our heads. But even when thinking about the good things there's a dark cloud that follows me and makes it difficult to enjoy the sunshine.

I'm so fortunate to have a good support system of friends in place. But at the same time, right now, I just want my Mom. I know that I could tell Mom all of my problems and she wouldn't judge me or berate me for a bad decision, she wouldn't offer a solution every 5 minutes but she's just listen. And when she did offer advice it would seem as if it were my own idea.

Why am I falling to pieces this week? Its been 5 years since Mom passed away. Why is the pain still so raw?

There are people in Alabama that have lost everything and literally had the rug pulled out from under them. I have friends experiencing hardships worse than my own. I'm healthy and independent so why do I feel so sad and hopeless right now?

If I could just have one more conversation with Mom, how would it go? What would I say? What would she say? There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I think if I could talk to Mom I'd tell her that I'm so glad I changed my mind and have children of my own. And yes there are so many things I just didn't understand but do now that I'm a parent. I'd say thank you for all the sacrifices you made for us because I know there were countless sacrifices. Thank you for showing me that love is unconditional.

But more than the thanks, more than the apologies I just want to have a normal conversation with my Mom. What do I do when McKenzie has a rash? Why doesn't she eat macaroni and cheese and what should I feed her for lunch? What was my bedtime at this age? Should she go to preschool? I want to go shopping with my Mom and have lunch. I want her to come over and read the kids the same stories she read me as a child.

I love you Mom and I miss you.

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