My Dad

Alright, so let me start this post by saying I'm not bragging and in no way, shape or form am I proud of the situation. I would change it if I could. But I've wished for change, prayed for change, held out for change and I think at this point it's just one of those things I'm going to have to accept in life. I'm talking about my relationship with my Dad.

There are times when I wonder how I turned out normal, okay well normal is relative and to some maybe I'm not "normal" per se, but I think I could at least get most people to agree I'm well adjusted. But I am grateful that I'm able to write about this as a parent to two fantastic children and not behind prison bars or stuck in an asylum and pointing my fingers at my Dad and blaming him for my circumstances. Of course on the flip side of that I'm not sure he should get much credit for where I am now either.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, maybe some of the unpleasant memories of have of my childhood and the embittered, confrontational relationship with my Dad has helped me get to where I am, even if only motivating me to be a different person than him.

I'm writing this tonight as I was shopping online for a small gift for my husband from the kids for Father's Day. His card is already done. This will be the second year in a row he's getting a custom made photo card with pictures of him and the children. You see I love cards and I'm really funny about choosing the right card for the person. And so I've always had a really tough time choosing the right Father's Day card for my Dad.

Most of the cards talk about the great relationships between father and daughter, or the fun trips you've shared, or the lessons you learned from him, maybe how he can fix anything that's broken, or is a good listener, likes to fish, hunt, etc., you know what I'm talking about. Problem is, none of that applies to my Dad. Maybe someone should have created the "These are all the things I wish you were to me, but I love you anyway" card. I'm serious and yes I know that's sad but it's true.

Sometimes more than anything I just wanted a "normal" Dad. I often told myself that he'd change, if I just accomplished more he'd be more proud and love me more. I'd use his criticism and negativity to motivate me to study harder, work longer hours and persevere. But regardless of my actions or accomplishments they were never good enough and he never changed.

I'm sad to say that while I tried to convince myself it didn't matter, it does matter. And now that he's a grandfather, well I hoped he'd be different. I hoped my kids would have a relationship with him and feel loved. Instead, he never tells people he's a grandfather. He doesn't call and ask to talk to the kids, e-mail and ask for recent photos or come to visit unless it can benefit him in some way.

My husband is a good father to our children. He holds them, changes them, plays with them, takes them to the park and tells them he loves them. I'm grateful that they will both know their father's love. So while I dread Father's Day because I can't find the right card for Dad and wonder should I even send one, now I'll try to focus more on making sure my children's Dad has a wonderful day.

Things I was never told

Some things don't mix well, like oil and water, beans and men, beer and liquor. Some things should never go together like fire and gasoline or corn and babies or children that still wear diapers. And apparently, among other things no one told me, garlic, spinach, raisins, blueberries and well I'm sure you probably know of some others. Now I guess, since I'd never changed a diaper in my life before my daughter that if I did know what happened when a child ate some of these things, well it probably would have been good birth control.

I'm looking forward to the day my children are potty trained...I'm not looking forward to potty training my children! I will say if you are super hungry and considering eating things that you shouldn't in order to lose weight, well just change one of these diapers I'm talking about and your appetite will diminish significantly.

In My Next House

So do you ever sit around and think "in my next house we'll have ....." ? I wouldn't say I sit around and think about it, I have two children under 3 and so I don't have time to sit. But I'm frequently having thoughts of what my next house should have to make life easier at home.

One of the things I'd like is a gigantic bathroom, HUGE, like a spa. I want it to be luxurious with a large shower that has the full body jets and a bench, room for two people to shower comfortably without knowing the other is there. I dream of separate toilets, each behind a door for privacy. I can keep mine clean and stocked and it will NEVER smell like my husband's dirty feet or worse. And it must be soundproofed so if I need to go somewhere and scream from frustration at my child's latest stunt I have a place. I'd like a small, cozy fireplace by the giant tub with jets and a TV that can be seen while soaking.

The master bedroom, wouldn't it be cool if it could be separate from the rest of the house but still convenient? I want our next house to have 2 master bedrooms, one that can be used as an in-law suite or guest room. But totally away from each other and away from the children's rooms. It doesn't have to be grand but roomy and with an area for a reading nook. But I do want it to have lots of windows, hopefully with a water view, (private lake would be nice) and it needs shades that will completely darken the room and operate via remote control. I'd love to have a balcony or patio off our master, something intimate where we can enjoy a drink or read our e-mails.

Kids rooms should be a good size and wired and equipped with video cameras so we can keep an eye on them. (Not in a creepy way, in a I just heard something crash, are they alright or did it come from another room or outside) It would be nice to have lots of built-ins.

Outside, I'd like to have a large yard with a nice big deck, an outdoor kitchen, a beautiful pool with a built-in table and stools, a hot tub, waterfalls and room to swim laps.

The kitchen, now most people would think about the kitchen first, but not me because while I want it to be up to date and gorgeous with the newest and coolest appliances, I don't cook that much so its one of the last things I think about.

Now if only we could move into this "next house" immediately. What do you wish for in your next house?

Here, There and Everywhere!

Where am I? Where was I? What did we do today? Do you ever feel like the Internet and social networking sites suck you in and you just disappear? Nothing gets done, laundry, dishes, trash starts piling up and then you're left wondering where the day went.

I think I was in a cycle for a while where I would hop on the PC and between surfing and playing and feeding the kids,time just vanished. But this week has been different. We were here, there and everywhere! We went to play dates, went swimming at the neighbor's house, shopped at the Outlet mall, Costco, Target, had lunch with friends, had dinner with friends and numerous other activities. This morning we had plans to get together with friends but I was so tired and the kids were still sleeping so we canceled.

I know that I definitely like getting the kids out of the house as it makes the day go by faster, they seem happier and I feel more productive but I just need to find the right balance.

I Just Won 27 Swag Bucks on www.swagbucks.com

I Just Won 27 Swag Bucks on www.swagbucks.com

I'm a Mess

This week has been hard, difficult, long .....you get the picture. Wednesday night I went out with a few friends and had a drink and some much needed girl time and I thought the distraction would make things better but sometimes you just can't outrun what's bothering you.

I've tried to focus on the positive, I have two great, healthy children and we have a roof over our heads. But even when thinking about the good things there's a dark cloud that follows me and makes it difficult to enjoy the sunshine.

I'm so fortunate to have a good support system of friends in place. But at the same time, right now, I just want my Mom. I know that I could tell Mom all of my problems and she wouldn't judge me or berate me for a bad decision, she wouldn't offer a solution every 5 minutes but she's just listen. And when she did offer advice it would seem as if it were my own idea.

Why am I falling to pieces this week? Its been 5 years since Mom passed away. Why is the pain still so raw?

There are people in Alabama that have lost everything and literally had the rug pulled out from under them. I have friends experiencing hardships worse than my own. I'm healthy and independent so why do I feel so sad and hopeless right now?

If I could just have one more conversation with Mom, how would it go? What would I say? What would she say? There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I think if I could talk to Mom I'd tell her that I'm so glad I changed my mind and have children of my own. And yes there are so many things I just didn't understand but do now that I'm a parent. I'd say thank you for all the sacrifices you made for us because I know there were countless sacrifices. Thank you for showing me that love is unconditional.

But more than the thanks, more than the apologies I just want to have a normal conversation with my Mom. What do I do when McKenzie has a rash? Why doesn't she eat macaroni and cheese and what should I feed her for lunch? What was my bedtime at this age? Should she go to preschool? I want to go shopping with my Mom and have lunch. I want her to come over and read the kids the same stories she read me as a child.

I love you Mom and I miss you.

Running in Circles

Wow, for over a month now I feel like we've been running in circles! December was a month that was jam packed with challenges, activities, sickness and almost anything else you can imagine. Most days I felt like I was on a treadmill at the highest incline and there was no emergency stop button, oddly enough I even had the image that I was the hamster on the wheel going round and round with no hope of getting off the wheel.

What happened? Where do I begin? The first weekend in December we were at a birthday party, correction, two toddler birthday parties back to back on a Saturday and then we raced home to watch a football game...so we were busy, so what, right? Well that was the beginning of our month of illness.

The day after the birthday party I had chills, fever, diarrhea and nausea. So I quarantined myself to our bedroom, put my hubby in charge of the kids and drank lots of fluids. I thought that would be enough to keep everyone else well and I would recover quickly. Two days later I was better but our daughter was sick. Another 24 hours and our son now had the stomach bug. By the time the kids were well I had caught it again, aghhhh!

That unfortunate episode which helped me lose 4 pounds in 2 weeks also helped me regain those 4 plus 2 more. Then MC got sick with croup which was followed by her first ear infection. Let me just warn you right now, 2 year olds and steroids don't mix well, at all. I'm not kidding! Then MC was well but then HP, our 4 month old, got croup and just to make things more interesting he also got an ear infection.

We spent Christmas Eve visiting our neighbors in shifts while one of us stayed home with the sick kids. Unfortunately, we had to spend New Year's Eve in shifts too. Then my brother came into town for a visit and his first introduction to our 4 month old. But as luck would have it he and his fiance' became sick too.

At times, I was thinking we should return all of our Christmas gifts and use the funds to build a bubble. But now its January and we're currently all well and as time allows I'm hoping to tell you about our nightmare experience with the Christmas tree infestation, how we had Christmas on a shoestring budget and how much I'm enjoying our new toy the Xbox 360 with Kinect.