A Pat on the Back

Sometimes there are moments when you think I must be doing something right, give yourself a pat on the back.

And lately the kids have been doing things that make me feel I earned a pat on the back.

As a Mom there are certain personality traits I hope my children will possess, I'd like them to be affectionate, compassionate, sympathetic, funny, honest and well-rounded individuals. And so much more. So the other day when my little girl was carrying her monkey around the house and I heard her say: "Why are you scared monkey? It's okay I've got you." I smiled and thought I must be doing something right.

When we go shopping together and its just us girls, MC often asks if we can get something for HP, now its usually a toy that she wants but not always, still I love that's she's thoughtful and wants him to get him something. I must be doing something right.

Sometimes when HP wakes up in the morning or from his nap he'll start crying, MC will say "Mommy I need to go check on Hunter, he's crying."

Yesterday on our way home from running errands, HP was hungry and beginning to fuss a little and without prompting MC says "It's okay Hunter, we're almost home." That's the first time I've heard her say that, previously she would make faces and noises to try and make him laugh.

Later as she was playing in her room, I heard her say " Amen. Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you....etc." (Our nightly bedtime ritual) Then she closed the door and said monkey's tired so I tucked him in. Awww....

When I was tucking her in last night she requested that I lay down with her so I climbed into bed. After a good 20 minutes it was obvious she was wired and not going to sleep, unless she thought I was asleep. So I closed my eyes...about 10 minutes later she lifted my arm and gave me her monkey, five minutes after that she patted me on the arm and then several minutes later she took my hand and rubbed her fingers back and forth as if she were trying to soothe me. And I thought what a sweet little girl we have, must be doing something right.

Famous people leave legacies, there are sometimes statues made to remind us of their significance in history, maybe they write a book of memoirs or maybe they're a musician that's impacted multiple generations with their music, many of us make grand plans to try and make the world a better place, thinking it has to be something big to make a difference. And maybe it does, I don't know. In the past when I was younger I used to dream big, Olympic swimmer, best selling author, successful sports journalist. I never once dreamed of being a Mom or even thinking about the importance of that role.

But now when I see my kids sharing without being encouraged to share, giving hugs or kisses on their own initiative, thinking of someone else when shopping, etc. If I can have a positive impact on my children and be a strong role model then I couldn't ask for a better legacy.

Two Kids, 1 Mom and a field trip to the Doctor

I dread going to the doctor's office. I don't like going for me but when I have to take one of the kids because they're sick, well it's like a field trip. If one child is sick and the other is well then by the time we're home they're probably both sick with different illnesses and if they're both sick and I'm alone with them then we're probably creating our own side show.

Today it was me vs. them. I was wrestling and trying to corral my 2.5 year old and almost 1 year old while answering loads of questions for both the nurse and the doctor. But before we were called back a lady with her child and another lady exited, calmly, orderly and without a trail of toys, pacifiers or sippy cups in her wake. I assume it was the child's grandmother that accompanied them and was helping carry the diaper bag and loading and unloading.

Its times like that when I'm hit with a wall of emotions, missing my Mom, wishing we had family that lived nearby and could help, jealousy and then shame because I'm jealous.

I'm tough, lots of people over the years have called me a "survivor" but there are some days when you just don't want to be tough. Some days I want to be weak and have help, today is one of those days.

I'm a Mess

This week has been hard, difficult, long .....you get the picture. Wednesday night I went out with a few friends and had a drink and some much needed girl time and I thought the distraction would make things better but sometimes you just can't outrun what's bothering you.

I've tried to focus on the positive, I have two great, healthy children and we have a roof over our heads. But even when thinking about the good things there's a dark cloud that follows me and makes it difficult to enjoy the sunshine.

I'm so fortunate to have a good support system of friends in place. But at the same time, right now, I just want my Mom. I know that I could tell Mom all of my problems and she wouldn't judge me or berate me for a bad decision, she wouldn't offer a solution every 5 minutes but she's just listen. And when she did offer advice it would seem as if it were my own idea.

Why am I falling to pieces this week? Its been 5 years since Mom passed away. Why is the pain still so raw?

There are people in Alabama that have lost everything and literally had the rug pulled out from under them. I have friends experiencing hardships worse than my own. I'm healthy and independent so why do I feel so sad and hopeless right now?

If I could just have one more conversation with Mom, how would it go? What would I say? What would she say? There are so many things I wish I'd done differently. I think if I could talk to Mom I'd tell her that I'm so glad I changed my mind and have children of my own. And yes there are so many things I just didn't understand but do now that I'm a parent. I'd say thank you for all the sacrifices you made for us because I know there were countless sacrifices. Thank you for showing me that love is unconditional.

But more than the thanks, more than the apologies I just want to have a normal conversation with my Mom. What do I do when McKenzie has a rash? Why doesn't she eat macaroni and cheese and what should I feed her for lunch? What was my bedtime at this age? Should she go to preschool? I want to go shopping with my Mom and have lunch. I want her to come over and read the kids the same stories she read me as a child.

I love you Mom and I miss you.