Alright, so yes we all have wrinkles, even babies have wrinkles. But when you're older and have earned your wrinkles its different. And when did I become vain? And when did the wrinkles move in? What did I do to earn them? When will they leave?
I was at the mall on Wednesday with a girlfriend and her little girl. We stopped by the Origins counter so I could get a color match and buy some new foundation. The male consultant was very knowledgeable and I was feeling good about making a change....until...I looked into his little mirror and saw groves of lines under my eyes and throughout the rest of my face.
So why is it when you try on lingerie, dresses, jeans, etc. those mirrors and lights at the mall seem to make you look and feel better? And then you get home and put on the same item and begin to see the flaws. But here in this guy's small mirror were wrinkles looking back at me and seeming to grow as I watched.
Now yes, I used to work long 12 hour sometimes longer days with travel etc. And yes, now I'm a mom that's experienced a new level of sleep deprivation that you can only understand after having firsthand experience, so maybe these wrinkles were earned. But why couldn't I earn a bonus or company watch or vacation instead?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
When You Know You're A Mom
I went through the 9-10 months of pregnancy with multiple symptoms, most of them not enjoyable. And then I went through the life altering experience of labor but with painkillers. I nursed my baby and held her while she slept but yet I still didn't feel like a mom.
At 2-3 months we took MC to a surgeon for a consult on her bellybutton. As I was completing the paperwork it had a spot for relation to patient....and of course I wrote "mother." Then I turned to my husband, while looking down at MC sound asleep in her carrier, and asked him "we're really parents, is it me or does it seem like a dream?" This continues through the nights of sleep deprivation, the spit up, the diaper changes, etc. and then one day it hit me....
You know you're a mom when.... you reach into your pocket for change at Starbucks and find a pacifier instead
....you don't even what to know what that brown stain on your jeans is or where it came from you just want to change clothes
...the diaper bag is your new must have accessory and you'll forget the cell phone before leaving the diaper bag behind
...when you're out at a bar, etc. and see a very young person acting stupid you don't think, I really miss those days, you wonder where her parents think she is and if you should give her some advice
...you never use the rear view mirror to check your make-up anymore but to double check that your child is securely strapped into her seat and riding comfortably
...you no longer choose gyms based on the hot trainers and clients but the safety and proximity of the childcare area
...alone time has nothing to do with a spa day but more about using the bathroom without an onlooker
...choosing a mall to go shopping has less to do with the stores and more to do with how accessible it is for strollers
...sleeping in means you slept a little later today than yesterday
...your magazine subscriptions to Redbook, Cosmo and Shape have been replaced by American Baby, Parents, and Parenting
...social networking has left the bar scene and been replaced by your membership to a Mommy & Me group
At 2-3 months we took MC to a surgeon for a consult on her bellybutton. As I was completing the paperwork it had a spot for relation to patient....and of course I wrote "mother." Then I turned to my husband, while looking down at MC sound asleep in her carrier, and asked him "we're really parents, is it me or does it seem like a dream?" This continues through the nights of sleep deprivation, the spit up, the diaper changes, etc. and then one day it hit me....
You know you're a mom when.... you reach into your pocket for change at Starbucks and find a pacifier instead
....you don't even what to know what that brown stain on your jeans is or where it came from you just want to change clothes
...the diaper bag is your new must have accessory and you'll forget the cell phone before leaving the diaper bag behind
...when you're out at a bar, etc. and see a very young person acting stupid you don't think, I really miss those days, you wonder where her parents think she is and if you should give her some advice
...you never use the rear view mirror to check your make-up anymore but to double check that your child is securely strapped into her seat and riding comfortably
...you no longer choose gyms based on the hot trainers and clients but the safety and proximity of the childcare area
...alone time has nothing to do with a spa day but more about using the bathroom without an onlooker
...choosing a mall to go shopping has less to do with the stores and more to do with how accessible it is for strollers
...sleeping in means you slept a little later today than yesterday
...your magazine subscriptions to Redbook, Cosmo and Shape have been replaced by American Baby, Parents, and Parenting
...social networking has left the bar scene and been replaced by your membership to a Mommy & Me group
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I'm Alive!
I'm alive! I don't necessarily feel like screaming it from a rooftop but I am breathing. And for the first time in weeks I can eat a few more things other than mashed potatoes and soup. Yeah!
I'm still weak and naueseous but I can actually get out of bed and leave the house for small trips without being sick. So here's to hoping this is the beginning of the return to the normal me and I'm back to blogging etc.
I'm still weak and naueseous but I can actually get out of bed and leave the house for small trips without being sick. So here's to hoping this is the beginning of the return to the normal me and I'm back to blogging etc.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Morning Sickness a Total Misnomer
If you ask me about being pregnant I'll tell you I fear and loathe the symptoms. Well maybe not all of the symptoms, but definitely morning sickness. Morning sickness is a total misnomer and a cruel joke for women that become pregnant and expect to be glowing and beautiful.
I intend to tell the truth about pregnancy. Although, if someone had tole me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about pregnancy, well, I might have missed out on the greatest joy of my life, MC and being a parent.
Morning sickness for me is a 24/7 experience, a traumatic experience. Now, for some this is me being melodramatic, but my friends know that I don't do "sick" very well. And that means any kind of sick, a fever, earache, cold, anything that lasts more than 24 hours and I'm ready to be done with it. BUT nausea and vomiting, I'm afraid of those symptoms. I can't stand to be nauseous and well once the hurling has begun, I get scared. I don't really have an explanation for the fear, but its real and its present.
I have friends that ask, "what's morning sickness like?" Well that question is almost impossible to answer because if you haven't experienced it then you can't understand it. I remember my mom saying she had morning sickness with me and again with my brother and that she was miserable, experiencing symptoms for each of the nine months. And now that I know what she's experienced, I wonder why I wasn't an only child.
Morning sickness should be called the "pregnancy curse." Its worse than PMS, its worse than Aunt Flo, its worse than my worst hangover. And as of right now there's not currently a drug that is totally safe for you and your unborn child that will make the symptoms go away.
When I was pregnant with MC, I felt like I had a bad case of the flu for three months. I spent most of the time on the couch, staying as still as possible, hoping that if I didn't move I wouldn't be sick. And then I realized that if I ate every 2 hours like clockwork then I could keep the nausea and vomiting in check. But I couldn't eat just anything, it had to be french fries, or small McDonald's burgers, or plain waffles, some cereal, etc. My husband would always ask me if I was sure that's what I wanted when I'd send him on a Mickey D run for the burgers. You see I never eat Mickey D's. I would joke that eating anything from McDonald's was a definite confirmation I was pregnant.
But this time around, we're at the seven week mark and well what worked before isn't working this time. I can eat every two hours and still be sick. I've tried ginger ale, coke without ice, saltines, etc. but nothing seems to work. And unlike before I'm having cravings. Yesterday, I wanted a chicken breast from Popeye's and strawberries. Oh and I wanted them right away. Strange.
With MC the morning sickness had disappeared by around week 14 and life was easier. I'm hoping that it will disappear sooner this time or that I'll discover a way to master it, the one things that will keep it in check and make the next 7 weeks bearable.
If you're reading this and think you have a solution, well by all means share, even if it doesn't cure my problem, maybe it will help someone else with theirs.
I intend to tell the truth about pregnancy. Although, if someone had tole me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about pregnancy, well, I might have missed out on the greatest joy of my life, MC and being a parent.
Morning sickness for me is a 24/7 experience, a traumatic experience. Now, for some this is me being melodramatic, but my friends know that I don't do "sick" very well. And that means any kind of sick, a fever, earache, cold, anything that lasts more than 24 hours and I'm ready to be done with it. BUT nausea and vomiting, I'm afraid of those symptoms. I can't stand to be nauseous and well once the hurling has begun, I get scared. I don't really have an explanation for the fear, but its real and its present.
I have friends that ask, "what's morning sickness like?" Well that question is almost impossible to answer because if you haven't experienced it then you can't understand it. I remember my mom saying she had morning sickness with me and again with my brother and that she was miserable, experiencing symptoms for each of the nine months. And now that I know what she's experienced, I wonder why I wasn't an only child.
Morning sickness should be called the "pregnancy curse." Its worse than PMS, its worse than Aunt Flo, its worse than my worst hangover. And as of right now there's not currently a drug that is totally safe for you and your unborn child that will make the symptoms go away.
When I was pregnant with MC, I felt like I had a bad case of the flu for three months. I spent most of the time on the couch, staying as still as possible, hoping that if I didn't move I wouldn't be sick. And then I realized that if I ate every 2 hours like clockwork then I could keep the nausea and vomiting in check. But I couldn't eat just anything, it had to be french fries, or small McDonald's burgers, or plain waffles, some cereal, etc. My husband would always ask me if I was sure that's what I wanted when I'd send him on a Mickey D run for the burgers. You see I never eat Mickey D's. I would joke that eating anything from McDonald's was a definite confirmation I was pregnant.
But this time around, we're at the seven week mark and well what worked before isn't working this time. I can eat every two hours and still be sick. I've tried ginger ale, coke without ice, saltines, etc. but nothing seems to work. And unlike before I'm having cravings. Yesterday, I wanted a chicken breast from Popeye's and strawberries. Oh and I wanted them right away. Strange.
With MC the morning sickness had disappeared by around week 14 and life was easier. I'm hoping that it will disappear sooner this time or that I'll discover a way to master it, the one things that will keep it in check and make the next 7 weeks bearable.
If you're reading this and think you have a solution, well by all means share, even if it doesn't cure my problem, maybe it will help someone else with theirs.
MIB-Missing in Blogosphere
Alright, so the number of blogs I post decreased and then just ceased pretty suddenly, and I guess some people figure I've given up, ran out of things to write about, went out and got a life or just got swallowed by the black hole lurking in the blogosphere.
Nope, none of the above. If I'd won the lottery, it would have been posted within minutes of confirming my win. And if I had gotten a life, well I'd need to blog about it to someone. Me, run out of things to write or talk about, not likely.
Instead I've become victim to the first trimester of pregnancy. Now, please don't misunderstand, I'm ecstatic we're expecting our second child. But it seems the fatigue and morning sickness have run me over like a bulldozier. One minute I was happy, active pregnant woman taking joy in my ability to remain active and exercising and then BAM! I'm sick, exhausted and down for the count.
Today, I'm feeling slightly more energetic and hope that will continue and I can resume blogging at least once a day. While you'll find me talking more about my pregnancy in an effort to document this experience for my little one, something I didn't do very well for MC, I'll also try to keep other topics going and regain a focus on saving money and bargain hunting.
Thank you for your patience, support and loyalty during my absence.
Nope, none of the above. If I'd won the lottery, it would have been posted within minutes of confirming my win. And if I had gotten a life, well I'd need to blog about it to someone. Me, run out of things to write or talk about, not likely.
Instead I've become victim to the first trimester of pregnancy. Now, please don't misunderstand, I'm ecstatic we're expecting our second child. But it seems the fatigue and morning sickness have run me over like a bulldozier. One minute I was happy, active pregnant woman taking joy in my ability to remain active and exercising and then BAM! I'm sick, exhausted and down for the count.
Today, I'm feeling slightly more energetic and hope that will continue and I can resume blogging at least once a day. While you'll find me talking more about my pregnancy in an effort to document this experience for my little one, something I didn't do very well for MC, I'll also try to keep other topics going and regain a focus on saving money and bargain hunting.
Thank you for your patience, support and loyalty during my absence.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Signs of Improvement
I can't believe it's two days before Christmas 2009. I can't believe we have a healthy little girl with a loving personality, developing sense of humor and growing body. Its so amazing to hold her, look at her, watch her sleep or eat or play in the tub and feel that overwhelming storm of emotions. MC is our world and she makes it a better place.
You see last year was somewhat of a disaster. My father-in-law became ill in September and after a week in the hospital was forced to begin dialysis. He'd been home for almost a week when we got hit by Hurricane Ike. I never thought of Houston as a city in the path of a hurricane, but Ike made me a believer. I was nine months pregnant with MC, taking care of my father-in-law as much as he would allow and my husband, Pop and I were all sleeping in the den when Ike rolled through town taking out the power, most of the fences across Houston and a lot of roofs. We went two weeks with no power in the summertime heat and humidity that Houston is so well known for. Two weeks where I slept on the couch, my husband slept on an air mattress and Pop slept in his chair.
And then when the power returned and we thought we'd be able to return to some kind of normalcy, Pop had another heart attack and this time he was in the ICU. MC was due in a week and we were at the hospital almost around the clock, waiting, hoping, praying for Pop to improve. Unfortunately, God had other plans and Pop passed away on October 4, 2008. It was so difficult for us to lose him. JB lost his Dad and his best friend. I lost the best father-in-law anyone could ever have and my best friend in Houston.
Pop was there when I was tossing my cookies during the first tri-mester. He was there in the middle of the night when sleeping had become impossible. We'd sit outside and play with the dogs or in the den and talk about how the dogs weren't going to be too happy when the baby arrived and replaced them as the center of attention. Once a month Pop would give me money "for you and the baby" he'd say and then everyday he'd ask me when I was going shopping. When I'd return home from babies r us or Target, he'd pretend to be uninterested in the bags I was carrying. But when I'd stop and take everything out on the coffee table I could see a spark of interest in his eyes. Pop was excited about MC from the day we told him we were expecting. He was ready to spoil another grandchild and while he joked that he'd be spending more and more time in his room, JB and I know if Pop were here we'd probably catch him sleeping in a chair in the nursery so he could be close to MC.
MC was born exactly a week after we lost Pop. Her arrival hit me with a bombardment of emotions, anxiety-I'm not ready for this yet; joy-she's beautiful and healthy; sadness-we should be sharing this with my Mom and Pop, etc. I was so confused when they handed her to me and I felt afraid instead of elated. Now granted, between the epidural and the pain meds I felt more drunk than anything else, but I knew something was wrong. I should have been grinning from ear to ear about our beautiful, perfect baby girl but I was mostly frightened.
Around three weeks later when we were home from the hospital and adjusting to life as three rather than two, I crashed one evening. It was almost 6 in the evening ad I called JB to see when he'd be home, he was another hour away, and I felt myself beginning to panic, about what and why exactly I'm unsure. I needed to get out of the house so MC and I went next door to visit the neighbors and her extended family. When JB got home I was trying to explain the panic feeling I experienced but all I could do was cry and cry and cry, I cried for hours. I was so scared, what was happening to me?
JB called the doctor's office the next morning and made me an appointment. We went in and explained what happened and the doctor gave me a depression quiz. I couldn't even complete the quiz without help from JB, I was too indecisive.
Afterwards, the doctor scored the quiz and diagnosed me with Post part um depression. She wrote me a script for some "happy pills" aka Paxil and told me to see a psychiatrist immediately. Well let me tell you, in Houston, its easier to see the Bushes than it is to see a psychiatrist immediately, let alone in the near future.
Anyway, for the past year I've battled with PPD and I do mean battled with it. There are so many things I've learned and so many things I need to share because I know the shame that comes with fighting this illness. And I hope that I can write more about my experiences over the past year and that someone out there will be helped and know you aren't the only one that "went crazy" and was too afraid to tell anyone, ashamed of your thoughts and terrified that you would never be yourself again. It happened to me, but its been a year and I'm better. I'm not 100% recovered but the improvement is significant. And for the first time in over a year I'm not taking any happy pills.
Last Christmas, I was in a fog, a thick fog and I couldn't even find the motivation to get out with my husband and pick out our tree. I was a stranger to myself and to my friends and family. But its Christmas 2009 and while I'm not the same person I was two years ago before the PPD, I'm a stronger person. So I'll focus on my signs of improvement and enjoy this Christmas without the haze.
If anyone that reads this post or blog knows someone experiencing PPD or is experiencing PPD and needs someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. And remember "It won't be like this for long."
You see last year was somewhat of a disaster. My father-in-law became ill in September and after a week in the hospital was forced to begin dialysis. He'd been home for almost a week when we got hit by Hurricane Ike. I never thought of Houston as a city in the path of a hurricane, but Ike made me a believer. I was nine months pregnant with MC, taking care of my father-in-law as much as he would allow and my husband, Pop and I were all sleeping in the den when Ike rolled through town taking out the power, most of the fences across Houston and a lot of roofs. We went two weeks with no power in the summertime heat and humidity that Houston is so well known for. Two weeks where I slept on the couch, my husband slept on an air mattress and Pop slept in his chair.
And then when the power returned and we thought we'd be able to return to some kind of normalcy, Pop had another heart attack and this time he was in the ICU. MC was due in a week and we were at the hospital almost around the clock, waiting, hoping, praying for Pop to improve. Unfortunately, God had other plans and Pop passed away on October 4, 2008. It was so difficult for us to lose him. JB lost his Dad and his best friend. I lost the best father-in-law anyone could ever have and my best friend in Houston.
Pop was there when I was tossing my cookies during the first tri-mester. He was there in the middle of the night when sleeping had become impossible. We'd sit outside and play with the dogs or in the den and talk about how the dogs weren't going to be too happy when the baby arrived and replaced them as the center of attention. Once a month Pop would give me money "for you and the baby" he'd say and then everyday he'd ask me when I was going shopping. When I'd return home from babies r us or Target, he'd pretend to be uninterested in the bags I was carrying. But when I'd stop and take everything out on the coffee table I could see a spark of interest in his eyes. Pop was excited about MC from the day we told him we were expecting. He was ready to spoil another grandchild and while he joked that he'd be spending more and more time in his room, JB and I know if Pop were here we'd probably catch him sleeping in a chair in the nursery so he could be close to MC.
MC was born exactly a week after we lost Pop. Her arrival hit me with a bombardment of emotions, anxiety-I'm not ready for this yet; joy-she's beautiful and healthy; sadness-we should be sharing this with my Mom and Pop, etc. I was so confused when they handed her to me and I felt afraid instead of elated. Now granted, between the epidural and the pain meds I felt more drunk than anything else, but I knew something was wrong. I should have been grinning from ear to ear about our beautiful, perfect baby girl but I was mostly frightened.
Around three weeks later when we were home from the hospital and adjusting to life as three rather than two, I crashed one evening. It was almost 6 in the evening ad I called JB to see when he'd be home, he was another hour away, and I felt myself beginning to panic, about what and why exactly I'm unsure. I needed to get out of the house so MC and I went next door to visit the neighbors and her extended family. When JB got home I was trying to explain the panic feeling I experienced but all I could do was cry and cry and cry, I cried for hours. I was so scared, what was happening to me?
JB called the doctor's office the next morning and made me an appointment. We went in and explained what happened and the doctor gave me a depression quiz. I couldn't even complete the quiz without help from JB, I was too indecisive.
Afterwards, the doctor scored the quiz and diagnosed me with Post part um depression. She wrote me a script for some "happy pills" aka Paxil and told me to see a psychiatrist immediately. Well let me tell you, in Houston, its easier to see the Bushes than it is to see a psychiatrist immediately, let alone in the near future.
Anyway, for the past year I've battled with PPD and I do mean battled with it. There are so many things I've learned and so many things I need to share because I know the shame that comes with fighting this illness. And I hope that I can write more about my experiences over the past year and that someone out there will be helped and know you aren't the only one that "went crazy" and was too afraid to tell anyone, ashamed of your thoughts and terrified that you would never be yourself again. It happened to me, but its been a year and I'm better. I'm not 100% recovered but the improvement is significant. And for the first time in over a year I'm not taking any happy pills.
Last Christmas, I was in a fog, a thick fog and I couldn't even find the motivation to get out with my husband and pick out our tree. I was a stranger to myself and to my friends and family. But its Christmas 2009 and while I'm not the same person I was two years ago before the PPD, I'm a stronger person. So I'll focus on my signs of improvement and enjoy this Christmas without the haze.
If anyone that reads this post or blog knows someone experiencing PPD or is experiencing PPD and needs someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. And remember "It won't be like this for long."
Toys for Tots
Discovery Toys Steps It Up! to Make Sure Deserving Kids Celebrate with Toys this
Holiday Season!
Discovery Toys , longtime Sponsor and Partner of Toys for Tots, was in the midst of readying their annual toy donation last week when members of the Concord, California, Marine Reserve Unit arrived at our warehouse and related the toll that the economic crisis has taken on the local Toys for Tots area drive this holiday season. With many businesses shut down this year and many more not able to support the annual T4T drive as in years past…they needed over 20,000 toys in one week to meet their goal…it looked as though the Holidays were likely not to be so jolly!
Every year Discovery Toys makes a firm commitment to donate at least 2500 toys or $50,000 to Toys for Tots! This year the dock was loaded with over 3000 toys at the time of pick-up! Upon hearing this story, though, Discovery Toys leaders and staff made a very quick decision to do more…
This year we literally opened our warehouse to giving…and loaded palettes of toys, books, games, and more, to exceed the Toys for Tots need! Monday, December 14, 2009, over 27,000 products left our company warehouse with a retail value of $500,000 - ten times our customary donation!
At Discovery Toys, we believe in giving back to our communities and partnering with causes that bring education and joy to children everywhere. Thank you, Toys for Tots, for doing what you do to help us contribute our share!
The Marine Toys for Tots Foundation has supplemented local toy collections around the country with more than 81.3 million toys valued at more than $487 million. While the Marines coordinate and manage the program, the Foundation’s success depends on the support of the local community, local business leaders and the generosity of the people who donate. That’s why Discovery Toys is part of this great tradition!
Support Toys for Tots in your community and help make a difference for an underprivileged child this holiday season.
Discovery Toys has joined the US Marine Corps to help support the Toys for Tots Foundation by collecting and donating toys for children in need.
For more information contact:
Discovery Toys
7364 Marathon Drive, Suite A
Livermore, CA 94550
800.341.8697
or visit our website at www.discoverytoyslink.com/kristinbarclay
The Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, an IRS recognized 51© (3) tax exempt not for profit charity, is the authorized fund raising and
support organization for the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program. The mission of the Foundation, www.toysfortots.org, is to provide a tangible sign of hope to economically disadvantaged children during Christmas.
Holiday Season!
Discovery Toys , longtime Sponsor and Partner of Toys for Tots, was in the midst of readying their annual toy donation last week when members of the Concord, California, Marine Reserve Unit arrived at our warehouse and related the toll that the economic crisis has taken on the local Toys for Tots area drive this holiday season. With many businesses shut down this year and many more not able to support the annual T4T drive as in years past…they needed over 20,000 toys in one week to meet their goal…it looked as though the Holidays were likely not to be so jolly!
Every year Discovery Toys makes a firm commitment to donate at least 2500 toys or $50,000 to Toys for Tots! This year the dock was loaded with over 3000 toys at the time of pick-up! Upon hearing this story, though, Discovery Toys leaders and staff made a very quick decision to do more…
This year we literally opened our warehouse to giving…and loaded palettes of toys, books, games, and more, to exceed the Toys for Tots need! Monday, December 14, 2009, over 27,000 products left our company warehouse with a retail value of $500,000 - ten times our customary donation!
At Discovery Toys, we believe in giving back to our communities and partnering with causes that bring education and joy to children everywhere. Thank you, Toys for Tots, for doing what you do to help us contribute our share!
The Marine Toys for Tots Foundation has supplemented local toy collections around the country with more than 81.3 million toys valued at more than $487 million. While the Marines coordinate and manage the program, the Foundation’s success depends on the support of the local community, local business leaders and the generosity of the people who donate. That’s why Discovery Toys is part of this great tradition!
Support Toys for Tots in your community and help make a difference for an underprivileged child this holiday season.
Discovery Toys has joined the US Marine Corps to help support the Toys for Tots Foundation by collecting and donating toys for children in need.
For more information contact:
Discovery Toys
7364 Marathon Drive, Suite A
Livermore, CA 94550
800.341.8697
or visit our website at www.discoverytoyslink.com/kristinbarclay
The Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, an IRS recognized 51© (3) tax exempt not for profit charity, is the authorized fund raising and
support organization for the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program. The mission of the Foundation, www.toysfortots.org, is to provide a tangible sign of hope to economically disadvantaged children during Christmas.
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