It's Not Easy Being Green or Preggo

It's not easy being green or preggo and for some people like me, they are one in the same on most days. And while this pregnancy has been a bigger challenge than my first, I'm so very grateful that we are expecting our second child. There are so many things and reasons to be grateful for, but there are also the side effects and complications that plague me which just come with my body handling pregnancy.

We're thankful God blessed us with another child without having to go through the draining, complicated and expensive process of fertility treatments. We're blessed that our ultrasounds and doctor's appointments have been full of good news. Both of us are ecstatic that in August we will have a family of four, with a son and a daughter or family of 6 as my hubby likes to say because he counts our dogs too. I'm grateful that I'm not confined to a bed or having certain restrictions to follow.

However, being preggo puts a tremendous strain on my body. I'm unable to work a full/part-time job other than being a SAHM Mom to my 18 month old rambunctious toddler. I can't walk for miles or work-out everyday. And while I am exercising my willpower to be more disciplined about what and how much I eat there are days when I crave junk and give in to the cravings. I don't sleep well, have frequent, vivid nightmares and need at least 1 nap per day. Between rampant hormones and vitamin deficiencies I get weak, dizzy, woozy and sometimes very afraid when experiencing these symptoms and prefer not to be alone.

The Braxton Hicks started early and will continue to plague me at various times throughout the remainder of my pregnancy. I have no bladder capacity and know where every public restroom within 10 miles of my house is located. I don't glow, I'm not toned and in shape and being pregnant does not make me beautiful. By the end of the day I'm exhausted, grumpy, hungry and not much fun to be around.

BUT these symptoms are not my fault. Given a choice I'd love to have the energy and ability to work a job while pregnant, to exercise almost every day and stay thin and toned, to clean the house, cook dinner and teach my child to read while eliminating the need to nap, run back and forth to the bathroom and eat frequent small meals. But no one has offered me that choice.

So I'll do the best I can everyday. I'll wake up and hope I have enough energy to care for and entertain my little girl. Chores and tasks will be completed as my time and body allows. And I'll try not to complain too much about the contractions, the nausea, exhaustion, swelling, compulsions, etc.

Here's what I ask of you: please don't blame me for being sick, I didn't order morning sickness and don't enjoy it nor have any control over it

-don't offer me pie, cake and cookies every time you see me and remind me "I'm eating for 2", those pounds have to come back off after the baby and that's not easy

- don't say you weren't meant to have children or "well I guess you shouldn't have any more because you don't do pregnant well", again this is not something I have any control over and those are my decisions not yours

-don't compare me to yourself and how you worked 40 hours a week on your feet even on your due date and were just fine, that just makes me feel like a failure and then I push my body to do more which can lead to problems

I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one that wants to have the perfect pregnancy but instead feels like they're struggling to get through the days and the stages. We'd all like to have the perfect pregnancy but please don't blame us if we don't but instead support and encourage us to enjoy the good days, rest on the bad and be grateful for the experience.

I FINALLY Own an iPod

I finally own an iPod, my very own iPod Touch. For years I've been wanting an iPod and yet have held off convincing myself it was too much of a want and not a "need." You know the lists you make, need vs. want and then you try and stick to the needs so you're reducing debt and being responsible.

But tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I told my husband that I really wanted an iPod. I want to download some music for me to enjoy in the car, at the gym, during the day etc. And I want to start listening to some lullabies etc. so when the baby arrives he'll be used to some of the songs and find them calming.

After waiting this long you'd think I'd have a huge list of songs I want to download and add to my play list, right? I thought so too. But so far I've downloaded about 140songs and about 110 are either lullabies or toddler songs I downloaded for MC. What's up with that?

So I guess if you're reading this and you think of a song or songs that are a MUST HAVE for my new toy, then let me know since I seem to be drawing a blank at the moment.

I Missed It!

Well today I was given a gift, the gift of time to myself. Last week a friend and fellow Mom bravely offered to take MC on a playdate with her son so she could get out of the house and I coudl get some rest.

WHo knew it would come on a day where I had to be at the dentist office at 8 AM this morning? And to make amtters worse while at the dreaded torture chamber a.k.a the dentist office I would be subjected to another the second emergency root canal this month. So while driving home, in pain with a big swollen face, I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet and extra sleep.

I don't do well when pregnant. I'm not bragging but merely stating a known fact to me and anyone that has witnessed the problems that plague me while pregnant. So to say I'm exhausted regardless of the trimester or situtation would be accurate and unfortunate, especially since this time around I'm pregnanty with a toddler that is a cross between a monkey and the Energizer bunny...that would definitely be a strange looking creature...

So when my friend pulled up ready to take MC to a bounce house, jungle gym, kids world, I ahd her packed and ready to go. But I was a little surprised when after she was loaded into a car she'd never been in before, I leaned in for a kiss and was quickly dismissed with the wave of her hand. Hmmm...my little girl is growing up I thought.

Back inside, still in my flannel pajama pants and thermal t-shirt, I was excited to be alone. WAIT! The thing is I wasn't alone because my hubby was still at the house answering e-mails, returning phone calls and making noise in my space. But he was supposed to be leaving shortly, so I fixed some pasta that I could slurp down with a numb face and picked up some of the toys cluttering the den floor.

Of course, my luck strikes and my husband's appointment is cancelled and he's not going anywhere. Time alone....not happening. So since the feeling in my mouth was returning and staying still seemed to make it worse I started picking up clothes and toys and working on things that would ahve been impossible with the monkey butt underfoot. And while making progress my mind wandered to MC and whether she was having fun or creating trouble...later, I learned she was doing both.

A few hours later MC and her friends returned to the house for a short visit. Before we were even completely unloaded and inside the house I'm being told how MC found a little boy with the group, took him by the hand and drug him around with her. She stood on tables, climbed into and out of bounce houses, shared snacks by feeding them to other little boys and smiled until she realized someone was trying to "gather eveidence", I mean pictures.

I've never taken MC to a playgraound area and seen her play in a bounce house. And I've never seen her hold anyone's hand but mine or her dad's so the news struck me as funny and strange. I hated to miss today and if I'd been 100% would have been there witnessing these new developments and joys firsthand.

But maybe we both needed some space today. Maybe she showed a new side to her personality that she wouldn't have displayed under my watchful eye. I don't know, but I am sad I missed seeing her so happy.

A few people have told me MC is going to be a heartbreaker and of course I laugh and smile....but she's only 17 months so if she's already picking cute boys out, taking them by the hand and dragging them around well I think we may be in a world of trouble. So ladies, when you see MC smiling at your little boy, you might want to warn him, she wants to be the boss and he's not the first one to be dragged around the playground.

Remembering Mom

Well today is an anniversary, not the kind of anniversary you celebrate with a nice dinner and expensive bottle of wine but the kind you remember quietly. Four years ago today on the first day of Spring in Columbia, SC my Mom finally lost her numerous and final battle with cancer and passed away.

She was only 60 years old. And I'm not sure that on the day we lost her I realized the magnitude of what had been lost. I don't know that I was aware I lost my mentor, my teacher, my best friend, my advocate, hero, etc.

We were one of the lucky ones in so many ways. My brother and I had watched Mom battle cancer two other times and walk away with some battle scars but also as a a stronger person. And we were also given time to process and plan things. We knew Mom was dying and had time to try and come to grips with an impending loss. Time to discuss arrangements and purchase cemetery plots, caskets, flowers, etc. Days, weeks and months to spend by her side talking about old times, making amends, saying goodbye.

But with that time comes a price. A heavy price, the price of watching a once vibrant, healthy person transform into a vegetable. We watched her lose weight, and stop eating, we saw her suffering in pain and being ill, she was usually cognizant but in the last 3-6 days she became confused and incoherent and unable to rest peacefully. We prayed that God would give her peace, we knew she was tired and so were we but we also wanted her to stay.

Looking back there are things we would have done differently and things that we wouldn't have changed. I wish I'd known then that I'd become a different person. If I'd just realized my priorities had changed and that chasing my career was now secondary and finding the right man and starting a family was my new pursuit, I could have shared this revelation with my mom and probably made her extremely happy.

Neither Brian nor I knew what to expect with the loss of a parent. We didn't realize that the entire world changed. Initially you don't notice the basics, the weather, colors, the way food tastes or what day it is, you run on some stripped down version of autopilot and go through the motions.

While its now been four years since Mom left I still miss her terribly. Sometime I'm a little angry because I feel like we were robbed. I wanted Mom to be there at my wedding, I wanted to call her with the news that we were expecting our first child and ask her a million questions about what to expect. I want to call her now and find out why my tuna salad never tastes the way hers did and tell her all of the cute things that MC has done. But instead I hold the Snoopy she gave me when I was 18and leaving for college and I give it a big squeeze. I reflect on my Mom and our memories and I hope that I can have a better relationship with my children.

Mom always did the little things, she gave us "no reason gifts" when she felt like we needed a lift or just saw something she knew we'd enjoy. She'd fix us a favorite snack "just because" and deliver it to us but then exit so she wasn't infringing on our time alone or with a friend. She'd encourage me to push myself harder and always remind me that my strengths would cover my weaknesses. And she loved us no matter what.

Sometimes when she's bring that snack or give us a surprise she'd say, "Repeat after me, I have a good Mommy," and of course we'd giggle and then say "I have a good Mommy." One day I hope MC and I will be able to laugh and I'll hear her say, "I have a good Mommy."

I love you Mom. You have a beautiful granddaughter and a grandson on the way in August. I'm hoping he'll be born on the 14th so you'll share the same birthday. I'm sorry that sometimes we have to lose someone to realize exactly what we had and how very lucky we were. So enjoy the scenery and the popcorn and keep an eye on us from those luxury seats until one day we meet again!

Wrinkles....where did you come from?

Alright, so yes we all have wrinkles, even babies have wrinkles. But when you're older and have earned your wrinkles its different. And when did I become vain? And when did the wrinkles move in? What did I do to earn them? When will they leave?

I was at the mall on Wednesday with a girlfriend and her little girl. We stopped by the Origins counter so I could get a color match and buy some new foundation. The male consultant was very knowledgeable and I was feeling good about making a change....until...I looked into his little mirror and saw groves of lines under my eyes and throughout the rest of my face.

So why is it when you try on lingerie, dresses, jeans, etc. those mirrors and lights at the mall seem to make you look and feel better? And then you get home and put on the same item and begin to see the flaws. But here in this guy's small mirror were wrinkles looking back at me and seeming to grow as I watched.

Now yes, I used to work long 12 hour sometimes longer days with travel etc. And yes, now I'm a mom that's experienced a new level of sleep deprivation that you can only understand after having firsthand experience, so maybe these wrinkles were earned. But why couldn't I earn a bonus or company watch or vacation instead?

When You Know You're A Mom

I went through the 9-10 months of pregnancy with multiple symptoms, most of them not enjoyable. And then I went through the life altering experience of labor but with painkillers. I nursed my baby and held her while she slept but yet I still didn't feel like a mom.

At 2-3 months we took MC to a surgeon for a consult on her bellybutton. As I was completing the paperwork it had a spot for relation to patient....and of course I wrote "mother." Then I turned to my husband, while looking down at MC sound asleep in her carrier, and asked him "we're really parents, is it me or does it seem like a dream?" This continues through the nights of sleep deprivation, the spit up, the diaper changes, etc. and then one day it hit me....

You know you're a mom when.... you reach into your pocket for change at Starbucks and find a pacifier instead

....you don't even what to know what that brown stain on your jeans is or where it came from you just want to change clothes

...the diaper bag is your new must have accessory and you'll forget the cell phone before leaving the diaper bag behind

...when you're out at a bar, etc. and see a very young person acting stupid you don't think, I really miss those days, you wonder where her parents think she is and if you should give her some advice

...you never use the rear view mirror to check your make-up anymore but to double check that your child is securely strapped into her seat and riding comfortably

...you no longer choose gyms based on the hot trainers and clients but the safety and proximity of the childcare area

...alone time has nothing to do with a spa day but more about using the bathroom without an onlooker

...choosing a mall to go shopping has less to do with the stores and more to do with how accessible it is for strollers

...sleeping in means you slept a little later today than yesterday

...your magazine subscriptions to Redbook, Cosmo and Shape have been replaced by American Baby, Parents, and Parenting

...social networking has left the bar scene and been replaced by your membership to a Mommy & Me group

I'm Alive!

I'm alive! I don't necessarily feel like screaming it from a rooftop but I am breathing. And for the first time in weeks I can eat a few more things other than mashed potatoes and soup. Yeah!

I'm still weak and naueseous but I can actually get out of bed and leave the house for small trips without being sick. So here's to hoping this is the beginning of the return to the normal me and I'm back to blogging etc.